Behind the prison bars lies a tragedy so absurd it seems fictional. Imagine a world where suicide attempts come with a bill, prisons are built on toxic waste dumps as if radiation were part of the sentence, and the government tells you that with a felony record you’re too dangerous to kill bugs professionally but could theoretically run the country. In “Seven Facts About Mass Incarceration That Sound Like April Fools’ Day Hoaxes, But Aren’t,” we journey through America’s justice system—a place where “inmate welfare funds” buy fitness trackers for guards, where the average pretrial detainee makes less annually than what’s required for bail, and where nearly half of all Americans have had an immediate family member incarcerated. Laugh to keep from crying as we explore a system so darkly comedic that reality has outdone satire. Because sometimes the cruelest jokes aren’t jokes at all—they’re policy.