Establishing Self/Part Connection, Beyond the Basics

May 10, 2024

Introduction #

Update Oct 2024: I had the opportunity to receive consultation from Dick on this topic. I added the transcript with my reactions.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy emphasizes the client’s Self as the core element for achieving healing. The therapist guides and supports the client. They help connect the client’s parts with their Self. This connection is crucial for progress. Without it, healing can be significantly slowed down or even blocked. This is especially true for exiled parts that experience disconnection and carry emotional pain.

Three Techniques #

In introductory IFS training, we learn to facilitate a key part of this connection: the Self-to-part direction. The question for the Self-to-part relationship is, “How do you feel toward the part?” or “How do you relate to the part?” This is step 4 of the 6 Fs. These questions reveal parts that block the Self-to-part connection. By negotiating with these parts, the therapist can help them unblend and make space for the connection. For many clients, this is enough. Once the Self-to-part direction is clear, then a circulation of energy is established.

But some exiles express a profound distrust and have little curiosity to know the Self. To get the connection established, it is helpful to address the part-to-Self direction as well. The key question for the part-to-Self relationship is, “Can you ask the part to look at you and describe who it sees?” (Sweezy, 2023, pp. 134-135). If the client identifies a part, then the therapist can negotiate with the part to unblend. Once the other parts are out of the way, then hopefully the target part can notice some Self energy.

You can see this process as a dance. Switch between Self-to-part and part-to-Self. Unblend any parts that block connection. Once both directions are clear, the therapist can encourage the client to slow down and let Self energy expand. The “horse whisperer” analogy is helpful to paint a vivid picture of this strategy.¹ The horse represents the target part: distrustful, betrayed, hopeless, and holding painful memories. The horse whisperer represents the Self. The Self doesn’t try to control parts, but instead radiates calm, compassion, and understanding. Like a horse whisperer doesn’t force the horse to submit, the Self can’t force parts to take an interest. Instead, it uses a patient and steady presence to create a safe space where the target part can feel heard and understood. This attracts the part to the Self, allowing it to receive grace.

Discussion #

Many presentations of the IFS model do not distinguish the directedness of the Self/part connection. Trainers cover the Self-to-part direction. But they spend less time on the part-to-Self direction. When a part responds in an unexpected way, digs in its heels, the IFS model as taught in IFS Level 1 provides little guidance. The techniques presented here are not new, but I suspect that contextualizing them in this way is not widely understood. I suggest expanding step 4 of the 6 Fs to include these three techniques.

We can, by investing in direct Self/part relationships, move beyond the limitations of questions like, “How old does the part think you are?” and the idea of “updating” parts. The question “How old does the part think you are?” is no longer needed because Self-like parts of whatever ages will get unblended, leaving only the ageless Self. Furthermore, the notion of updating a part misconstrues what is happening (Anderson, 2021, pp. 54-55). What is happening is that the target part is switching its relationship from a younger Self-like part to an older Self-like part. Of course, it’s more efficient to connect a part to the Self than to swap one part-to-Self-like-part connection for another.

Consultation with Dick #

As part of the Fall 2024 IFS Continuity Program, I discussed these ideas with Richard Schwartz on Oct 09.

Transcript #

I asked IFSI whether I could share the complete transcript of my consultation.

Right now, we are focused on protecting and preserving the integrity of the IFS model and Dick’s work. As part of this, we are kindly requesting that copyrighted material or direct quotes from Dick not be used on websites for the time being.

Hence, the only way to see the complete recording is via http://learn.ifs-institute.com

Reactions #

Dick largely agreed with my perspective, but there were some points of disagreement. We did not have time to unravel every detail during the consultation so I offer further discussion here.

• Dick said, “And so a lot of times when parts don’t trust self, it’s because it’s not self, it’s a self-like part. They can be tough to detect sometimes”

  I’m not sure why Dick says that self-like parts are difficult to detect. To me, they are conspicuous. Ask the client to convey whatever sentiment to the part and ask, “How does the part react?” If the part receives the sentiment positively, then it was Self; otherwise, it was a self-like part. That’s the test.

• Dick said, “And a lot of these parts in the beginning say, ‘No, I am self, I don’t know what you mean.’ And you have to say there’s that line from one of the debates years ago, ‘I know self and you’re no self.’”

  I would not confront a part’s belief in such a bold manner. It does not seem necessary to fully convince a part that it is not Self. After all, many parts contain some reflection of Self. Rather, I ask the part to unblend and sit next to the client.

• Dick said, “negotiating with them to step out like you do other protectors”

  In my experience, Self-like parts prefer to sit next to the client and watch, rather than step out.

• I asked “when you use the language self-like part, isn’t that another way of saying it would be like self-image, right?” and Dick said, “No, for me it’s more of a manager part that doesn’t trust self to lead and thinks it has to do it for self. I don’t know what you mean by self-image.”

  I find that clients intuitively grasp what I mean when I say, “self-image part.” Whether it is a manager or a group of parts or something else, it often does not need clarification. Self-image parts are often willing to unblend without fuss once I identify them as a part. The idea of a self-image part follows from the question, “Can you ask the part to look at you and describe who it sees?” This question implies a visual mode. In a way, this question is priming the client in a misleading way because it invites a visual answer. Bob indeed reported that he saw “a broken man.” The broken man part may not have much function except to justify why Bob does not benefit from talk therapy. We can ask the broken man part (a self-image part) to sit next to Bob and ask the target part to look at Bob again. The kind of answer that we’re looking for is largely emotional, such as “a ball of reassuring light.” I keep asking the part to look at the client until I get some description of an aspect of Self.

• Dick said, “I mean, at one level self is ageless, but it’s sort of a drop of the divine. But in the more practical everyday running of things, you’re embodied and you have a body and you are this age. So it’s that particle or wave kind of issue.”

  If we can get the part connected with the ageless Self, we should! Why settle for less? Both aspects of the client, aged and ageless, are present in a practical and accessible way.

• Dick said, “I’ll ask, ‘Do you see yourself with this part or are you there with the part such that you don’t see yourself?’ Because if you see yourself, that’s not yourself, that’s a part trying to do it for you.”

  There are a few reasons that I don’t like this question.

  • It makes the client feel like they are getting the wrong answer without providing much guidance about the correct answer. To me, this is reminiscent of how Hinduism defines Self as not this, not that. In IFS, we don’t have to be evasive. We have lots of positive ways to describe Self.

  • Seeing yourself with the part isn’t necessarily a problem. For example, if you embrace a part and it responds positively, then that’s fine whether you see yourself there or not. Whether you see yourself isn’t diagnostic. It is the part’s reaction that is diagnostic.

  A better approach is to prompt the client for a specific Self quality using “How do you feel toward the part?” and then whatever Self quality that the client reports (e.g., compassion) is what I invite the part to notice. I always try to elicit an aspect of Self from the client so I don’t have to try to describe Self energy in any detail.

• Dick said, “to the point where they feel compassion for the part and then just spend a lot of time sort of love bombing it with compassion”

  When Dick says love bombing, it is important to understand that we’re asking the client’s Self to love bomb the client’s part. Dick’s choice of analogy is a bit odd. In my opinion, the “horse whisperer” analogy is more appropriate to this context than a military bombing campaign.

• Dick said, “It’s really important to remember that most all these parts are pretty young. The managers are rarely older than teenagers.”

  It’s not very important to determine the age of self-like parts. What is important is to persuade them to unblend.

Example #

Bob, a 45-year-old cisginder, heterosexual, single, middle eastern man, was raised by disinterested, abrasive parents. A 19-year-old part holds a lot of sadness, grief, and anger about how his parents treated him. [To protect confidentiality, names and details have been changed.]

THERAPIST: How do you feel towards that 19-year-old?
BOB: I wish I could help him.
THERAPIST: Okay so like a care and concern?
BOB: Yeah
THERAPIST: Okay great, and is that 19-year-old looking at you?
BOB: Yeah
THERAPIST: Does he notice your care and concern.
BOB: Yeah
THERAPIST: What’s that like for him?
BOB: Uh it’s painful.
THERAPIST: Can you say more?
BOB: It’s painful because for a brief moment it felt like a connection. He hasn’t felt that in a long time.
THERAPIST: Let him know that you’re getting that: it’s been a long time since you’ve been with him.
BOB: Yeah
THERAPIST: How does he react to that?
BOB: He doesn’t want to lose the feeling of being cared for, not being alone, feeling that he matters to somebody.
THERAPIST: Does that make sense to you?
BOB: Yeah, of course.
THERAPIST: Yeah so can you let him know that it makes sense and that you’re here and you’re going to be with him from now on.
BOB: I heard a response saying, “I don’t believe you. How is this going to help with my anger, with my issues, with my problems?”
[The connection we thought that we had established is faulty. Maybe a therapist-pleasing part was interfering.]
THERAPIST: Oh, he’s like, “This is bullshit. Do something real.” ?
BOB: Yeah, yeah
THERAPIST: Okay, see if that 19-year-old has some curiosity about finding out who you are because I don’t think he knows who you are yet.
BOB: He said, “why?”
THERAPIST: Say: “I’m Bob-who-is-not-a-part. I have the power to help all of Bob’s parts, to heal them. If you have some curiosity then you can know me.”
BOB: Okay, yeah, he has curiosity.
THERAPIST: Okay. How do you feel towards that 19-year-old now?
BOB: Since the beginning I felt bad for him and I’ve wanted to help him.
THERAPIST: Yeah, so can you deepen that feeling of care and compassion for the 19-year-old? Just maybe glance at him briefly to see if he’s looking, but mostly just feel that care and compassion. Wait for him to notice it.
BOB: He noticed it.
THERAPIST: What’s it like for him to notice it?
BOB: Very apprehensive, very skeptical
[At least it is plausible that we’re getting a candid report from the 19-year-old.]
THERAPIST: Okay, can you ask him why he’s skeptical?
BOB: From his experience, words can often be hollow.
THERAPIST: Does that make sense?
BOB: Oh, yeah
THERAPIST: So let him know that you get that. Tell him that you’re going to communicate without words.
BOB: Okay
THERAPIST: Now how do you feel towards him?
BOB: I feel compassionate.
THERAPIST: Okay, let that compassion expand. Is he noticing that at all?
BOB: Yeah, he sees it okay.
THERAPIST: What is he getting? What’s he seeing?
BOB: Well, when he looks at me, he sees someone desperate, hurting, alone, in pain. He can relate to me but at the same time I have compassion towards him. It seems reciprocated.
THERAPIST: So it sounds like he’s seeing the broken person part at the same time he’s getting a little bit of the compassion and care.
BOB: Yeah
THERAPIST: Okay, so can you ask that broken person part to separate from you a little bit and sit down next to you. Is that broken person part willing to give you some space? (Request unblending)
BOB: Yeah
THERAPIST: Okay and how do you feel towards the 19-year-old now?
BOB: Still compassion.
THERAPIST: Okay. That 19-year-old, is it willing to look at you and not at the broken person part?
BOB: I don’t think there’s anything for him to look at. This might have something to do with my lack of identity. I’m not sure. I don’t know what’s left. I’m trying to look through the eyes of the 19-year-old. I’m not sure what to look at. There’s nothing there.
THERAPIST: That 19-year-old is not seeing the compassion and the care?
BOB: No, he feels the compassion.
THERAPIST: So that’s enough. That is Bob-who-is-not-a-part. Just let him know he’s getting it. Encourage him to really feel into that. Do you still feel that compassion towards the 19-year-old?
BOB: Yes
THERAPIST: Now just give him a little bit more time. Really allow that feeling to deepen, the compassion and the care, so he has a good chance to really appreciate the depth of it.
BOB: Okay
THERAPIST: What’s it like for him to appreciate Bob-who-is-not-a-part?
BOB: It’s a little confusing.
THERAPIST: Is this new for him?
BOB: Yeah
THERAPIST: Let him know that you’re getting that: that it’s new and it could be confusing.
BOB: Okay, yeah
THERAPIST: How does he react?
BOB: He wants to know how this is going to work.
THERAPIST: That’s better! (Trust established!)

References #

Anderson, F. G. (2021). Transcending Trauma: Healing Complex PTSD with Internal Family Systems. PESI Publishing, Inc.

Sweezy, M. (2023). Internal Family Systems Therapy for Shame and Guilt. The Guilford Press.

Notes #